Monday, July 19, 2010

Technical equipment definitions and usage

Jul 12, 2010
On Sunday, Macca read out these "definitions" sent in by Bob Daley.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching Flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and your beer across the room denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light! Also removes Fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers at about the same time as it takes you to say "oh sh-t!

ANGLE GRINDER: Portable cutting tool used to make things too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also can be used for making blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 'touch up" jobs into major refinishing projects.

HACKSAW: One of a -Family cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle -- it transŕorms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used aŕten pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Almost used entirely for lighting flammable objects in your shed or garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you wanted to remove the bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the can to the ground (after you have installed new brake shoes) and trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most people to cut good aluminium or plywood sheet into smaller pieces that Fit more easily into the trash bin - especially you realised you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you to disconnect. Also very
useful for bending carport ceiling beams to give them t unaìtractive shapes sometimes almost completely pulling the whole stucture down!!

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Also, as the name implies, works perfectly to strip out the grooves in Phillips head screws,

STRAIGHT BLADE SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. Perfect tool For putting deep scatches in fine smooth polished timber.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracketyou needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining Pod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you intend to hit.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shed while yelling "son-of-a-bitch" at the top of your lungs, just as your or any impressionable children walk through the door. It is also, most often, the very next tool that you will need.


Skeeter said...

Oh how very true!
That could only be written by a craftsman who has made extensive use of all the listed tools.

WV: testra. At last someone has beaten the 'ell out of Australia's most hated provider.

Albury Shifton said...

Sounds like a lot of weekend workshop warriors don't use vises

Anonymous said...

what do you mean no vises,

I have plenty of vises, what I lack is a "vice"

SezaGeoff said...

To be true and correct, it is a vyce. You peasants have vices - unlike my pure self ;-)

Anonymous said...

SezaGeoff, I stand humble and corrected.

The minute I posted it and saw it in print I knew it was wrong, but there is no preview here.

Funny, how even if you don't know the correct spelling, the word still looks wrong? At least it does to me.


Anonymous said...

But if you look it up it seems to be correct in some dictionaries, so there you go.

What would I know?