Hudson River crash cockpit voice recorder transcript - Update

Here is the transcript from the voice recorder from the Hudson River Crash (language warning).

PIC is a Pilot in Command, SIC is Second in Command, you all know who Sully is.

SIC: "Number two's gone, boss."

Sully: "I know it! What do I look like, an R-22 pilot (that's a baby helicopter a real egg beater)? Just shut the fucker down, boy. Oh, and tell Departure that we need to come back in and land. Fucking birds..."

SIC: "Sheesh, somebody got up on the wrong side of his throne this morning. You don't have to insult me just because I got my commercial helicopter rating in the mighty Robinson. Oh, and by the way, sir, we're not climbing, if you even care. Maybe your decision to take on that extra 5,000 pounds of fuel wasn't so hot, Captain."

Sully: "One more comment like that and I'll make sure the union keeps you in RJ's for the rest of your miserable, short career."

(loud BANG is heard)

Sully: "SON OF A BITCH!"

SIC: "Number one's failing, boss."

Sully: "I can see that! Am I a-fucking-sleep? Can I not read the gauges? Am I not flying the plane here?"

SIC: "I'm just sayin'..."

Sully: "Goddamn Canadians, sending their f*cking geese down here every winter. Why, if I ever see another Canadian I'm gonna punch him right in the throat. I HATE Canadians."

SIC: "Everybody does, boss. Think we can make Teterboro or straight-in to 22 at Newark?"

Sully: "Yeah, probably. But f*ck Teterboro! Let's go to Newark. I've flown out of Teterboro. Short damn runways...always a crosswind. And their FBO's suck. I'd rather land in the Hudsonf*cking river than land at Teterboro. Hey...."

SIC: "You're not..."

Sully: "Why not? Maybe we can take out some sailboats with some prick Canadian snowbirds."

SIC: "You ever land on the water before?"

Sully: "Plenty of times! I got my seaplane rating back in 1946. I think it was in a...Piper...somethingoranother, I forget. Never mind. It'll all come back to me. Pull out the Before Water Landing checklist and run it."

SIC: (flipping through the stack of checklists) "Can't seem to find one for that."

Sully: "Fooled ya! HAH! There ain't one! Just get on the horn and tell the people to put their heads between their legs and kiss...no wait, that won't sound good on on the CVR tape...make it, 'brace for collision'...no wait, make it 'brace for impact.' Yeah, that's better. No wait! Tell them that out the left side of the plane they can see the Intrepid Museum, and that if they'd like to visit it, they'll be able to, this afternoon, like, in about twenty minutes. Oh, and ring the stews and have them bring me a rum and coke. If I'm gonna do this, I need a good stiff drink. And have that one with the big tits bring it up. If I'm gonna die, I wanna die drunk and with a boner."

SIC: "Like your grandfather did?"

Sully: "This is no time to make jokes, son. I would really appreciate it if you'd try to take this situation seriously. I'm fairly certain that my grandfather did not die with a boner. I mean, have you ever met my grandmother?"

SIC: "You know, if you pull this off CNN will be calling you the Hero Pilot of the Year."

Sully: "Fuck CNN. Liberal bastards. All I care about is what the fair-and-balanced Fox News will call me. I hope Fox News calls me a hero!"

SIC: (sighing) "They probably will too. Nobody will remember my name. It'll be 'Sully this'...and, 'Sully that.' 'Captain Sully, the big fucking hero.' Like you are the only fucking one in the cockpit."

Sully: "You're quite bitter. You really are a helicopter pilot at heart, aren't you? You know, some pilots wait their whole career to be called a hero. I mean, Christ, I've only got two years to go to retirement. That was close!"

SIC: "We're not down yet, Captain Skygod."

Sully: "I know, this thing glides pretty well, huh? Dammit, no sailboats. Oh well, let's see if we can buzz one of those damn sightseeing helicopters. What's best-glide/engines out?"

SIC: "Beats the shit outta me."

Sully: "Vref?"

SIC: "Fuck if I know."

Sully: "Britney Spears' birthday?"

SIC: "December 2, 1981."

Sully: "Well, I'm glad you know SOMETHING! Just gimme full flaps..."

[END OF RECORDING]

Thanks to Skeeter, almost original source here.

Update.