Friday, February 6, 2009

A message for pets and about pets

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children …

8 comments:

Rip said...

When I was growing up my mom would say if she had it to do over again she would just have dogs. Used to hurt my feelings until I grew up and had children of my own. Many a time I looked at my precious Winston and thought to myself "should have skipped the children and just had dogs". (This despite the fact that he snored like a house on fire and took up the whole damn bed!)

kae said...

Kids can break your heart all your life, but your pets will only do it once.

Rip said...

Winston broke my a year ago last October. I miss him every day of my life.

kae said...

My Katie died just over seven years ago, and I still get upset when I talk about her. She was only seven years old and had lymphoma. When I got her and her brother, Bundy (who I still have), I told my ex that she was a gentle soul and I felt that she would die early. He thought I was stupid. I was right!
Here's Katie:
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i67/Kae_album/Katie0001.jpg She was so affectionate and gentle, would rather have a pat than a feed.

RebeccaH said...

My last dog passed on several years ago. I keep thinking I'll get another one, but I don't know if I could stand the heartache of losing one, and at this point, am afraid I might outlive it.

Know what you mean about the bed, though. Many a morning I woke up with a paw stuck in an uncomfortable place, and doggie breath in my face.

Boy on a bike said...

You guys sound like you need to read a copy of this book:

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781416559139&itm=2

Steve at the Pub said...

Extra bonus with pets:-

If they really DO push you too far, you CAN just shoot them!

:-) :-) :-)

Caz said...

Classic. Excellent stuff. :-D