Stuff that's never been said during the Olympics

How Obama got Bin Laden

Fore!

Dark Shadows

I feel like I must see this movie.

Employers using Facebook to spy on employees....

#Occupy - FAIL

Another one.

Magic soccer player.... at two years old!

Kiwis, always a source of humour

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk God for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Via email...

Drafting men over 60 ----


For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling..


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.


How about recruiting Women over 50 ....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!


If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!


Send this to all of your senior friends...it' is in big type so they can read it.


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

From my Mother....

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer:

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,

'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Worth a look

Tim Minchin's "Storm".

Did I say the formatting was fixed? Meh!

Is it just me

Or is there some sly humour in athlete Matt Shervington spruiking for Foxtel packages?

I won't be saying any more about this subject either.

Marriage is like a pack of cards...

Identity theft is occurring more these days

Mr Potato Head is in the police station. He has no eyes, nose or mouth.
The policeman at the counter is reading his notes...

"So, you are here to report an identity theft?"

Toastmasters

On Thursday night I attended Toastmasters for the first time.

It was fun. A friend invited me a few weeks ago and I agreed to go, but wasn't able to, too tired becuase of work last time it was on. This week I was still tired, but decided to make a go of it.

Funnily enough they said that I speak well... lolz. I participated in "table talk", and later was asked to comment in another section when they went around the table asking everyone "What would you do...?".

First I must tell you the joke....
(As told by another at the meeting.)

An old bloke, 82, was having trouble with his plumbing. The doctor asked him to supply a sperm sample for analysis. The gent was provided with a small specimen jar and told to bring the sample back the next day.

The next day the gent arrived at the doctor's surgery, jar in hand. The doctor inspected the jar. Nothing. It was empty.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

The gent, 82, said "No matter what I did I couldn't do it. First I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand. Nothing. Then the wife tried. First with her left hand, then her right hand. Then she used her mouth. With the teeth, without the teeth. Nothing."

The doctor looked somewhat surprised.

"So then I asked the woman next door...." said the gent.

"The next-door neighbour!" exclaimed the doctor.

"Yes," replied the gent. "First she tried her hands, then she tried her mouth, but still nothing. Couldn't get the lid of the blasted jar."

My question for the first table talk was "Who would you least like to be in parliament now?" My answer was Julia Gillard. In a stabby government she's received the poisoned chalice.

Later was a round-table question about my reaction to someone with dreadlocks and harem pants who passed all people handing out how to vote cards to take a card from the Greens, who after voting loudly proclaimed that she was affronted by the other parties representatives trying to thrust their how to vote cards upon her. Avoiding a confrontation, I said that I'd say "Sod off, swampy," under my breath.

It was a fun night (I raised a few hearty laughs).

On the way home, after 9pm. I stopped to grab a pizza from the pizza joint in the town, it was excellent.

I was ill on Friday, but I've been told something is going around.

Today I helped on the sausage sizzle stall at the local flower show. There was a parade. That was fun, too. I spent some money on plants, now I have to cut the weeds where I want to plant them.

Laugh!

'Cos if you don't laugh, you'll just cry.

AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010.

This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

I wanted to let you know now because I'll probably miss it next time.

UPDATE:
OK I've deleted the additional post - dunno how that happened, they were posted at exactly the same time, 10:44pm, so probably a blogger glitch.

I've a lot on my plate at the moment. It looks like six months after I've secured another job after being "redundified" from one school, I'm back in the same boat again. There's a big restructure happening at the rural campus I am at and four schools are being blended into a superschool under the science faculty. For my level job there will be three positions. There are five people at my level.

Sux.

Must watch

I caught the piece on the 7PM project tonight with Barnaby Joyce talking about Rudd, stairs, Julia, and her racing down the stairs to check he's OK...

It should be here later....

Technical equipment definitions and usage

Jul 12, 2010
On Sunday, Macca read out these "definitions" sent in by Bob Daley.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching Flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and your beer across the room denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light! Also removes Fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers at about the same time as it takes you to say "oh sh-t!

ANGLE GRINDER: Portable cutting tool used to make things too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also can be used for making blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 'touch up" jobs into major refinishing projects.

HACKSAW: One of a -Family cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle -- it transŕorms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used aŕten pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Almost used entirely for lighting flammable objects in your shed or garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you wanted to remove the bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the can to the ground (after you have installed new brake shoes) and trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most people to cut good aluminium or plywood sheet into smaller pieces that Fit more easily into the trash bin - especially you realised you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you to disconnect. Also very
useful for bending carport ceiling beams to give them t unaìtractive shapes sometimes almost completely pulling the whole stucture down!!

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Also, as the name implies, works perfectly to strip out the grooves in Phillips head screws,

STRAIGHT BLADE SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. Perfect tool For putting deep scatches in fine smooth polished timber.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracketyou needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining Pod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you intend to hit.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shed while yelling "son-of-a-bitch" at the top of your lungs, just as your or any impressionable children walk through the door. It is also, most often, the very next tool that you will need.

Well splained!

Excellent breakdown of the recent happenings in Aus Government at lolpolz.

***Oops, thanks to Nilk who sent me the link...***

SMS from a friend...

Just heard on the news someone checked into the psycho ward wearing only a g-string and riding a goat.

I'll come and get you this time... but this shit has to stop!